explore the cockroach within

So, I traveled down to Baja this week via automobile with my lover who had just moved from the status of primary partner to “boyfriend” at the start of our trip. We were entering into a conscious relationship that is in theory a more mature way of dating where you assess your values and goals and move into things a little more slowly versus getting swept up into the fairy tale or projectional love momentum. This type of love is primarily fueled by hormones and raw impulse; your lover somehow fills up the gaping hole in your heart, and our inner wounded child just aches to get supported, seen and heard. Although the idea was to be more mature in my intentions, in my particular case—due to some unforeseen logistical issues, long hours on the road, a little sleep deprivation and too much caffeine—this calm, easy way of loving went straight down a Mexican toilet somewhere with no TP to clean up the mess. Thus, my boyfriend managed to stay my boyfriend for three whole days after starting our trip, and then we broke up. Good job, Abigail, strong fucking work!!! 

It turns out that when we get triggered, it is best to slow things down versus riding the passionate wave of primal energy that can oftentimes be accompanied by sharp and cutting language. We all have a window of tolerance and at the edges of our window reside the start of the spaces that when activated can begin to trigger our stress. For many of us, we have an embedded neurological imprint of the trauma we have experienced in our past. Sometimes the trauma is major and results in PTSD, but for other people more minor changes in life events can lead to trauma just from our bodies holding and sustaining an increased level of repeated stress.

My window of tolerance and my ego got activated on the trip. And although I would love to say I am ALWAYS GREAT at using the grounding tools I have in my mental health toolkit, that would be a lie. My self-help improvement is indeed still a work in progress. LIFE is simply a divine work in progress, as far as I am concerned! So, words were said, things got tense and my “boyfriend” and I are now taking a break. And indeed, this does truly suck, but what was even suckier was having to spend the next two days in the car with someone you love after you just broke one another’s hearts and you are on the verge of tears for hours on end. At some point, not all the crying in the world can fix the situation and you just need to pull yourself together, but HOW do you do that when there is soooo much hurt?

Luckily, despite inwardly feeling like a basket case at this point, some of my “tools” did start to kick in and I consciously took action. I started to hum quietly to the music in the car which activated my vagus nerve while I repeatedly stroked my neck. Your vagus nerve is the main bundle of nerves for your parasympathetic nervous system, which controls numerous body functions including your heart rate, immune, and digestive systems. Research has shown that there are some ways to reset the vagus nerve: stroking and massaging your ears and neck, singing in specific tones, or doing eye exercises can bring your heart rate down and calm yourself. 

The tension just kept coming back, however, so I also did a body scan where I got intimate with the sensations that were being activated. I made a body mind map where I first described the feelings to myself as they came up for me and I pinpointed where I felt them, noticed whether they were expanding or contracting, as well as any other notable qualities that were emanating from them and what I was making them mean in terms of my perception.

In that moment, I noticed that there was a fluttering quality in the top of my chest and it was caving inward and taking away my breath. So, as I was driving I kept one hand on the wheel and put the other hand on my chest and I just emanated love to that particular part of my body, softening the energetic blockage until it could flow freely again. And all of this was hard and repeated work until eventually my mind shifted a little bit from the loop that it was cycling through focusing on dread and impending doom. My attention was diverted outward towards the incredible journey through the Mexican desert where there were vultures and cacti that I could admire while the sun shone and the road seemingly flowed onward forever. Once I could make peace with my anxiety as simply pure and raw sensations that needed attention, I could proceed with my day with so much more flow and ease. Now, if only I had been able to do this the day before when I was arguing. Sigh… but we are all learning, all of the time if we allow ourselves to and that is OK!

And what do I do now that I have finally made it to Baja and will be alone and single on Valentine’s day again? Well, I love how here in Mexico we call it El Día del Amor y Amistad (The Day of Love and Friendship) because who can’t get behind the notion of simply celebrating humanity and all of our beautiful connections? 

Oh, I know you can actually still be cynical and continue to keep focusing on your deep, dark hurt and inner pain. But, you don’t have to HATE your darkness and we have a choice regarding what we want to do with our trapped and stagnant energy! So, however, you might feel about this quasi-holiday you have a choice regarding how you choose to make space for it in your life. We can let our resistance to the commercial cogs in the capitalistic wheel bog us down with loathing and disdain, or we can get off on this day and revel in however we choose to celebrate it, or not - as it may be. Either way, it does our body no good to harbor stagnant negative energy and so I implore you on this day to find a way to make it your own kind of ritual and work with whatever vibrations and feelings are authentic for you as you are feeling them and the sensations arise.

So, if you’d like to go out to dinner with your partner and put down your cell phone to be truly and intently connected, then I encourage you to do so and to make an effort to be fully present.

Or, if you’d rather get out the slippery as hell, deep red satin sheets and make eye contact for hours with your lover or lovers while focusing on sensations of pleasure rather than a final goal or orgasmic completion, then hell yes please do it basking in your utmost sensual bliss with intention!

Or, if you’d rather add your ex’s name to a cat litter box for Valentine’s day like they are doing in Toledo, OH (shout out to my hometown!) then so be it and delight in the glory of your own spite!

Or, if you’d rather name a cockroach in your ex’s honor and let a meerkat eat it, then LOVE yourself for daring to be a little bit dark and sadistic!

One of the best Valentine’s Days I can ever recall, I was dressed as an elf named Spanky and was beating hundreds of people with pillows outside the Ferry Terminal building in San Francisco. I was newly separated from my ex-husband and it was hard as hell to commemorate this “special day,” but the laughter and joy from the crowd moving their collective energy was utterly fantastic! And that is INDEED really the key, MOVE whatever energy that’s coming up for you so it doesn’t control you and instead you can maintain your body mind connection!