My inner Sea Dragon likes to kiss & coil
After my ex-husband committed suicide, every argument we ever had started to perpetually reverberate in my head. I couldn’t stop the sounds in my mind of the screaming and harsh judgment language we used that had escalated considerably from his combined addiction and mental health related issues. Our drugs of choice were cocaine and whiskey and not to say that I was some well put together angel since I have always been a bit of a straight talking Polish redneck from Ohio and all, but his habits were definitely more self-destructive, as well as more expensive, than my own. I loved my ex-husband deeply, and tragically. We had been lovers since I was 16 years old and it absolutely crushed me when he died.
To stop the sounds of the screaming I went sober for quite some time. I have done that on and off as I have grown older. Sometimes, you just need a break, or you need to quit for good—these are all sensible choices that I fully support.
When I entered into my next relationship, I was shattered inside emotionally and never wanted to argue again. So I silenced my feelings as best I could for the next 9+ years. I did my best to be agreeable and never raise my voice or temper because I was afraid of my anger and the way I waged emotional war. I decided I never wanted to wound or hurt anyone in a relationship ever again.
That strategy lasted for a while—with a little added help later from booze and weed—but then I started to throw more caffeine into the mix and I was back to acting a lot like a strung out coke slut, horny in the morning and paranoid by mid-afternoon. The sex was absolutely great, until our communication and thus relationship became completely devoid of closeness and intimacy. Masking your emotions with substances only works so long, and at some point the wisdom of our bodies makes itself known even when we are trying our best to silence it.
Eventually, my partner and I became strangers sleeping together in the same king bed at night. It debilitated me to think about how much I could love someone, yet still have no idea how to break our cycle of avoidance and re-learn how to connect. We no longer touched one another, although we mostly had the same taste in our Netflix series preferences and so at least we still had that in common as we laid in bed. At that point the sex became frightening for me too because it felt like I was having performative sex with a stranger and having been a sex worker (primarily a stripper) years before, this definitely hit a little too close to home.
So, we broke up and then the anger finally came, and oh how it came! My ex and I owned a hotel together, so even though we were no longer a “couple” we were still running a business, which left a lot to untangle. Things I had been holding back throughout our relationship (both business and romantic) started to surface from the depths, like demons swirling off my sunken Freudian iceberg and racing to rise from the frozen hellfire abyss.
My tongue once again began to lash out like some sort of inflamed snapdragon and I had no control over what I was saying. I like to say that when we slip into our most primal defense mechanisms our survival instinct “lizard brains” compel us to act a lot like a newborn baby snake, which I on occasion have had as a pet.
Needless to say, our remaining business relationship ruptured and after I got paid out I took off and became a wanderer learning to become a tantric love, sex and relationship coach. I have done SO much deep inner shadow work to get intimate with my dark side and my triggers and reprogram my self-destructive patterns of behavior. However, the irony is that I haven’t really been able to have another committed relationship since I started this journey.
Sure, I have managed to build up my self-esteem, find my authentic sexual self and have numerous casual lovers, but I haven’t been able to find someone quite up to the task of doing the hard couple-communication work with me. So, I keep getting these mini-doses to use as learning moments and don’t get me wrong all of my sexcapades are usually story-worthy and fucking hot! However, there is something to be said for having a primary partner who can be your mirror for all your flaws, fears and imperfections.
Our partners can be our greatest teachers if only we can get honest with one another and stay attuned to each other as we share. In turn, doing so can help us improve our reflective listening skills, which allow us to empathize and validate one another’s emotions and make us feel heard. I believe one of the truly important ways we develop intimacy with someone is through hard conversations that get raw and vulnerable, yet thoughtful, as we express our feelings. We can do this by using tools such as non-violent communication. However, it is so hard to be open in these intentional spaces when our bodies feel like they are triggered and on fire!
I am not trying to use my past as an excuse. Eventually, the past no longer matters and you need to live in the present moment with what actually IS. However, it’s good to know where my reactive patterns have come from so I can recognize them and hopefully make a choice to change them in my future. I also need to keep practicing taming my dragon. I don’t want to get rid of her completely because although she can be rather unruly she is also kind of sexy as fuck! I’d say that I can’t practice solo and do this all alone, but in truth every lover I now have serves as a bit of a gift if I choose to take a lesson away from the experience, no matter how good, bad, happy or sad it made me feel.
Here is a little poem describing just one way I learned to cool my flames when they are fanned that I wrote while doing a walking meditation and combining elements of nature with creative imagery. It was incredibly helpful to create at one time while I was super angry and I can help you to learn how to do this sort of practice too!
Water-dragon
And from the base of her toes
Through the crown of her head
She felt fire, fierce, passionate,
Beautiful, yet destructive fire
And she could not master its burning
Until she invited the icy water
to let itself in
To her mind's eye to cool
The uncontrollable wave of desire
And indeed it is sad that I just had a break-up after only having a three day “boyfriend”, but the beautiful thing is that now I know I have the tools and insight if I want to stop my unhealthy patterns. It’s going to still take a lot of work, but the work can be a fun and hilarious journey of terrifying self-discovery.