Here’s to swimmin’ with bowlegged women… & sharks
I’ve been swimming with sharks lately. Well, I’ve been trying to, at least.
They have started doing tours in my remote part of Baja where you can rent a small panga boat and be taken out to an area where you might get lucky enough to see some sharks. I was invited to go on a trip like this with several other women who, upon meeting me at a party, had asked, “Do you want to go on a boat trip and swim with sharks?” Without thinking or analyzing the situation, I immediately said yes!
Once we arrived at the spot where the sharks had recently been sighted our “shark expert” pulled out a bucket filled with fish guts and a several dead marine carcasses and began to mash them around, making something that looked a little bit like a red and raw, bloody animals-of-the-deep stew. After this—the world’s worst cioppino—had been thoroughly mixed, she put some into a cage that would float about 15 meters below our boat and off to the side. She then threw another line in the opposite direction, which was attached to a life ring not so terribly far from this cage. I was then informed that we would see the sharks by getting into the water one by one and hanging onto this thin line. As we did so, we would watch the sharks feed on this big cage of bait while we floated in the water close by with our snorkel masks on. As I pondered this, the boat crew continued doling out fish gruel into the water as chum, trying to bait the sharks into coming towards our boat. I finally did a double take and realized what I had gotten myself into…
Most people have some sort of red flag that pops up when it comes to doing these sorts of things. There is some voice that says “this could be dangerous”, or maybe “this isn’t a good idea.” However, for me - this voice rarely, if ever speaks up.
I think that part of this comes from my biology and how my body is hard-wired to behave, yet some of my willingness to be up for anything definitely comes from the way I was raised. Still, another part comes from being rewarded for putting myself in dangerous situations, especially ones that I consider sexy! And for the record, there is definitely a piece of me that finds the idea of swimming with sharks tremendously arousing and scintillating!
So, it should come as no surprise that I actually find myself seeking out precarious situations when it comes to the way I date as well. I gravitate towards the bizarre and unusual like some sort of heat-seeking missile and I treasure these qualities in my lovers as well. Although I don’t have a particular kink or fetish that I personally crave, when someone else does I find myself captivated with curiosity and the most delicious intrigue. And if they have some off-the-wall scheme or asinine suggestion for a date I find it nearly impossible to not to run towards this type of taunting and teasing metaphorical treat versus deciding to run in the opposite direction.
The scientific theory of the Dual Control Model explains how and why my body will react with either excitation or inhibitory sexual response to these erotically enticing situations, and part of this includes understanding how the result of some of my first sexual encounters still affect me today. As it turns out, when I was going through puberty and had to sneak away to kiss boys and explore my body, instead of being caught and punished I got away with it, and it was an incredible rush of palatable pleasure! So, I love the thrill of a bit of uncertainty in my sex and love scenarios. However, we were not all wired or rewarded in the same sort of fashion. We can get curious about ourselves though—maybe you want to take a quick online quiz that can help give you more pieces to your own personal pleasure puzzle.
When you understand your past you can understand why you behave as you do in the present moment, and for myself this awareness helps me make more informed decisions, especially as I take on erotic situations that are a bit more unpredictable and risqué. It’s important for me to keep all of these characteristics in mind while I continue to toss myself out there into the turbulent waters of single life and dating. Lately, I imagine my love life to be a bit like throwing myself out into the ocean as I dangle alone on a life raft while sharks continue to swim by.
I like to imagine this analogy as I move forward in my love and dating scenarios and I enjoy getting intimate with the motivation behind why I am compelled towards the actions I am taking. I think the most important thing for me is to continually check in with my body and feel into whether or not it is open to what I am doing so I can give myself genuine permission and consent to engage.
This concept was novel to me when I learned about it two years ago. Previously, I had thought that consent was only something I could give to other people and I had never realized it was something I could also give to myself. When I slow down, thoughtfully engaging with my breath through somatic meditation, I can actually feel whether my thoughts and body are open to someone or something in a way that in my youth I was taught to ignore. This was partly because my parents were very authoritarian and it was either their way or the highway. My feelings, needs and attempts towards personal requests were oftentimes not considered important and other times not even heard.
So, learning to be aware of a feeling and then determining what I need, followed by coming up with a request (which is different from making a demand) originally started out like a foreign concept to me. However, I keep on practicing with my lovers, family and friends and I slowly get better these days at noticing what I am experiencing and how it is making me feel. When my body is contracted and recoiling, it is usually an indication that I am not open to a situation. It’s also possible that I am a HELL NO and this is a fight or flight sort of situation. In contrast, when I am relaxed and at ease with my body feeling open I know that there is no fear as I am approaching an experience and so it is likely a YES to moving onward.
This all seems pretty clear cut and straight forward if you continue to do little body meditations and practice, but what do you do when your body is numb and you feel NOTHING, or it isn’t giving you any clear signals? That’s when it is ok to notice that you are a MAYBE and that you might be ambivalent about a person or circumstance. That’s when it’s important to take the time to slow down and keep checking in with your own inner wisdom and intuition.
As I continue to date I am so grateful that I have finally come to a place where I am truly responsible for owning my own pleasure and turn-on unapologetically. I no longer think it’s someone else’s job to give that to me, which has sometimes left me begging to receive. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely do LOVE to BEG and this is a fabulously delicious game you can play with your partners. However, when I let my raw desire rule my thoughts and actions then I am far less likely to be letting my entire mind/body connection make informed decisions. This connection is important to me the older I get since I no longer want to let my relationships become fragmented by what for me has sometimes mirrored what some might call sex and love addiction.
It’s important to feel when something is toxic to your body and notice both WHAT that feels like and HOW it is affecting you. Toxic relationships poison your body and mind and leave you disconnected from your own self, which inhibits you from being the best and brightest version of yourself.
So, I like to own my self-pleasure practice these days and incorporate some sacred sexuality into my masturbation rituals. In order to do so, I try to filter out the fantasies a bit and pendulate between really experiencing what is going on in my body, as well as my energy as it is connected with the elements and the universe. At the same time, I can also choose to harness my breath more fully that allows me to experience the most vibrant and full orgasms possible. I can also use my orgasm to work through my challenging emotions when they feel stuck and the energy needs to move.
Owning my own self-pleasure practice is an absolute gift and it has helped me while I am swimming with the sharks in the dating pool while I continue to go out and engage in new exciting erotic experiences. Lately while dating I have even been channeling a bit of my inner dominatrix and sometimes secretly say to myself that, “this person hasn’t earned my orgasm!” This is because I have learned that I can harness the power of my turn-on like it is a fuel source for myself and I don't always have to feel obligated to give it away to somebody else. My heart and mind are more clear when I continue to channel self-love and I am not baited towards a lover’s mental and physical external rewards. I know that I can truly give myself everything I need and I can move with confidence knowing this so it seems safer when I choose to swim in more dangerous waters. Because although I never did manage to see sharks on my boat trip, I am now aware when they make an appearance in my everyday real world encounters.
In light of this, I am now choosing to flip the script and instead, I like to think of myself as a shark as well now too, although I fancy myself to be more like one of the incredible sharks capable of miraculous “virgin births!” Some sharks (including zebra sharks) have been found to be able to switch from sexual reproduction to asexual reproduction, or parthenogenesis.
Also, more recently reported there has also been the rare phenomena where a female smoothhound shark that had never had sex or been around males had a successful asexual “virgin birth”. Apparently, after 10 plus years in captivity and only being around one other female shark there is a documented case of an Italian shark (leave it to the sexy Italians!) reproducing and self-fertilizing its own eggs internally. Although scientists know this happens in the wild, it is a rare occurrence when a shark is being held in captivity. Because all of the genetic material for the newly “virgin-born” shark is coming from the mother, these newborn sharks are more closely related to their mothers than normal shark babies. Additionally, since only female sharks can have virgin births there are no Y chromosomes available for genetic material. So, since all the sex cells are coming from a female then the babies will in turn only be female as well.
It seems to me like an asexual virgin birth could be amazing if I were a shark, since mating can oftentimes be very aggressive and the female will almost always end up bitten and a bit wounded. Sure, a shark may release special chemicals (pheromones) into the water luring a female towards him through scent followed by displays of his strength and prowess showing moves that may even resemble what looks like water dancing, but eventually the sex gets a bit painful. Thus, the female shark’s skin is oftentimes twice as thick as a male’s.
Although many female sharks practice displays of rejection towards their suitors, aside from the cases of asexual parthenogenesis, all sharks engage in internal fertilization. Male sharks actually have a double pronged appendage that is an extension of their pelvic fins, which some people mistakenly infer to be a second penis. However, this pronged appendage called a “clasper” is actually used to inseminate sperm inside of the female’s cloaca along with salt water allowing eggs to be fertilized. Sharks swim beside or underneath their mate and may engage in additional biting to hold on.
Some sharks will lay eggs that are referred to as a “mermaid’s purse” and others will have live births. Most sharks do not mate yearly, although there are some exceptions and after mating is over, the sharks part ways and do not mate for life. Fertilization is almost immediate and the only time a shark may ever potentially encounter their father again is if he tries to eat his pup—making my own parents seem sooo much more reasonable!
Although I never did manage to see a live shark on my boat tour, I am fascinated by these majestic creatures and their mating habits inspire me. We can learn so much about how expansive mating behavior can be when we start paying attention to a broader array of animals.
It is my great wish for all humans to feel free to be the type of wild animal that they feel most comfortable being. I wish for your comfort in knowing your turn-on is yours alone to claim and for your deepest connection with your body so you will know when you are a YES, NO or MAYBE when it comes to engaging in pleasure.
