What’s hot pink and hovers?
Have you ever wanted something so badly you could almost taste it? Your heart and your soul become attached to a vision, and there is nothing that can stop you from heading towards the goal that you are fixated on. At times it can be beneficial to focus on an objective like it is the Holy Grail itself and your attainment of this prize is non-negotiable. However, much like this mythical sacred relic, sometimes that which we thirst for most becomes elusive, leaving us insatiable. We are absolutely unable to possess that which we desire so dearly, that which we lust and yearn for, and that which we are driven towards as we unwaveringly grasp outwards, clutching in futility.
This is what it felt like recently when I dreamt to return north, back to the US, and to leave Mexico by a certain desired date. I had places to go and people to see and commitments that I had PROMISED to keep. So, what a crushing blow it was when I learned that Hurricane Hilary had decided to intervene and would be stopping me from sticking to the tightly planned schedule I had coordinated so carefully. As this realization sunk in, the wise words of the hard-living Scottish poet Robert Burns haunted me like a menacing mantra: “The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.”
For the two weeks prior to my leaving Mexico I had strategically coordinated my medical, social and packing obligations to align with a slew of vehicle visits to various mechanics to make sure that my recently purchased raver-hippie-nomad van was travelworthy before I hit the road. As with most things in Mexico, however, getting the right tool for the job is often easier said than done. So, all of my juggling proved much more complicated than anticipated. Undaunted by these hiccups, I held firm to my conviction that even if all my vehicle details weren’t totally dialed come hell or high water I was committed to leaving on a certain day to begin my drive and that was FINAL — until it wasn’t!
I put pride in my promises and I like to think that my word means something. However, sometimes mother nature and the unpredictability of life simply have other plans for us and then it’s good to adjust NOT to your hopes and dreams, but rather to WHAT IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING in the present moment.
Don’t get me wrong, I love to fight the things I take umbrage with. I was constantly in trouble as a child for “talking back” to my parents when rules did not make sense. I have also helped change city and state laws by protesting, writing letters, testifying in front of the legislature and uniting human beings with a shared social concern. However, there are some things that we simply cannot change.
In the case of Hurricane Hilary, once I got halfway up the coast of Baja I was strongly encouraged by the long-time locals that continuing north could prove life-threatening. After the last hurricane in Heroica Mulege, not only was there incredible wind and its associated destruction to contend with, but additionally the tropical storm that ensued flooded gullies, rivers, washed away homes and cars, took out parts of bridges and obscured visibility so that travel was extremely disorienting if not impossible.
So, despite my pride in my work ethic and attachment to keeping my word as my bond, in the end I NEEDED TO SURRENDER and simply accept the current state of my reality, even though this was very hard. Sometimes trying to withstand the inevitable only brings more destruction, heartache and pain. It is important to keep checking in with your fully connected body and mind to really feel into knowing when enough is enough and what your true motivation is.
Where is the fine line that separates a valuable sense of pride from unhelpful obsession and fixation? Zen wisdom says that pride can be seen as moving towards an achievement and progress and therefore symbolizes a person gravitating towards a growing light within themselves. However, when it conflates into the realm of an unhealthy ego we have usually begun seeking external rewards to compete with others rather than doing things to better know the true nature of our self. In contrast to allowing ourselves to be open to the feeling of growth, our ego moves from a place of fear and serves to plunge us towards darkness and descent. So, in psychology these differences can ostensibly be seen as the ego desiring a bolstering of self-importance versus the internal glow and self-satisfaction of pride. And in order to not let fear and our fragile ego be our downfall, we have to allow ourselves to fail!
And sometimes, I have indeed felt like I have failed miserably. Some of these times were most notably…
Every time I didn’t win first place at running event, ages 11 through 16
Trying to get emancipated, and instead ending up in a juvenile detention center
When I dropped out of my first college, the US Military Academy, which I had earned a Congressional Appointment to attend
When I was fired from my first job, even if it was a shady Seattle stripping agency
When my marriage, aka my relationship with my best friend since high school, ended
When I left one career to start another and had to learn all new skills from scratch
When I closed a business I started after 17 years yet did not sell it for profit
When I broke up with my long-term boyfriend which also meant losing my business and community
I think that one of the many reasons why these failures hurt so tremendously was because along with the loss and the heartache, I convinced myself I was less valuable because I did not succeed. I let the experiences in my life which gave me identity determine how I saw my worth. My ego took it all so personally! And, the way I saw myself after these events was anything but flattering. I went through deep, dark pits of despair and depression because I could not find pride in just being the perfectly imperfect human being I am.
The language I used towards myself was incredibly scolding and it was as if I needed to say nasty things to myself to get me back in the proverbial “ring” to try, try again. But that’s not TRUE, and it never has been! The abusive language I took on in my childhood did not motivate me then, even though it was intended to help me be the best version of myself. I know that now, and I have forgiven my coaches, teachers, parents and the adults who didn’t know any better, and who were just trying their best while being fragile flawed humans too. The essence of who I am is more than just the sum total of the experiences I have had in my life, and my foils and follies can be my teachers. And somehow, knowing this has made the illusory line that resides between success and failure slowly dissolve in my mind and now I can be more accepting with both my circumstances and myself when things do not go according to plan.
So, that’s what I did when I got waylaid by the hurricane, which left me with intermittent power, A/C, internet and cell, as well as closed highways going in both directions. Much to my chagrin, these inconveniences also delayed not only my traveling, but also the release of my monthly newsletter. I couldn’t change my circumstances, but I could change the way I chose to relate to my defeat. Instead of fighting the inevitable and chastising both myself and the world, I finally let go; I accepted that even though my heart had been set on a particular outcome, it wasn’t going to occur. And as I started messaging people to let them know I couldn’t follow through with my commitments my heart was heavy, but I did not beat myself up. Because sometimes there is nothing you can do to change your situation and it is best to slow down so you can lean in to allow for a new flow. It is also so helpful if you can be loving and kind towards yourself as you transition, because these days I know I am the number one person responsible for the way I choose to give myself love and cheer myself on.
And with that said, after being waylaid for four days, I was finally able to travel further north even though many roads were still closed and I was uncertain just what path I should take. However, with patience my route was eventually revealed to me and I was so glad I stopped to take my time versus fighting the storm.
