I plan to continue to embody love

Rolling on the ground
Getting orgasmic 
over crumbs
The tiny pieces of 
love and affection
i am willing to settle for
Because I am terrified 
to truly receive 
Full admiration & love

Its not what I  grew up with
And so it feels like 
a foreign object 
lodged in my throat

I want to vomit 
on any doting
Someone bestows me
And so I must get off
On getting 
treated like shit

I am so eager to please 
that I will do 
almost anything 
To feel touched 
for a moment 
By someone I think is special
By someone who ignores
Most of my needs

The sensation their acknowledgement gives me
Feels like a drug
Firing away 
inside my reward centers
Giving me dopamine
From their look & touch

And so there’s something
Tied into all of this 
Where I believe 
I must like to wear 
The disappointment and heartache
Like a proud parasol 
Shading me in shadow 
& shame too

I know once I see it 
& feel it
I can undue the pattern 
And take back control
Of how 
I rule my heart

I can love and be loved
In a way 
that is 
much more healthy

But for now 
I am only 
catching glimpses of it all
And so I think 
I will continue to choose
The option of being
My own favorite lover instead

At the risk 
Of staying frighteningly 
Yet deliciously alone 
I plan to continue 
to embody love
Even if I am 
the only one
who will receive it 
Intimately