I retrained myself to be able to orgasm during oral sex this year.

I retrained myself to be able to orgasm during oral sex this year. This was no small feat since I have spent the last 25 years thinking I was broken and that this source of pleasure was simply inaccessible to me. Novelty and danger really excite me. So, I would occasionally get off on the thrill of having a new lover explore that area and almost have a spontaneous orgasm when they finally put their tongue between my thighs from time to time. However, when it came to having a partner intentionally try to stimulate my vulva, clitoris and my delicate lips, I would suddenly freeze up and go into panic mode instead of pleasure.

I think this was mostly from a long ago birthday “gift” gone wrong. However, it is also true that the way the nerves are divided between the anus, vagina and clitoris varies from person to person too. Some of us may have more nerves bundled in one of these parts of our body than another. Personally, sometimes I think that I might have less nerves in my labia minora and more in my anus perhaps. 

Regardless of how my individual physiology might be differentiated, there was definitely an incident that psychologically impacted how I related to this sex act in a big way for most of my adult life. It started out as a well-intentioned evening where my partner and I went out for dinner to celebrate my 20th birthday and then came home where we continued drinking and started getting creative with my slinky lingerie selection and different sex acts. 

On this particular birthday, my partner decided that he really wanted to give me an orgasm from oral sex. After some discussion, I lay down in our bed wearing a velvet teddy, got comfortable and spread my legs wide so he could lick my pussy trying to give me an orgasm. This, however, proved easier said than done. I felt like I got close a few times, but the more he tried to make me cum, the greater the pressure seemed and compounded for me. Having a fair amount of alcohol in my system definitely numbed my body as well. These days I really appreciate drinking less if I want to listen to the subtle cues my body is telling me about my sexual experiences, as opposed to this sort of substance-based sense-dulling that can occur instead. Because of all of these factors, that night it felt like my partner and I were no longer having sex just for the sake of pleasure and enjoyment, and we were now having sex with the expectation of a goal. So, I started to panic and I got into my head. I began judging myself for not being able to orgasm and I became terrified of letting people try to give me an oral sex orgasm in the process too. 

None of this changed particularly for the next 25 years. I would have partners start to go down on me and then I would almost always freeze up, go into a trauma response where I would stop breathing and feel absolutely numb between my legs when there was a tongue involved. After engaging in numerous unsuccessful conversations trying to work on this issue WITH my partners, I simply gave up and would try to exit situations involving oral sex as quickly as possible. I felt incredibly confused since I could feel so much with fingers, toys, or a cock, but I felt virtually NOTHING when someone used their tongue on me and I desperately craved more of this type of foreplay in my life. Finding it unattainable to achieve made both my pussy and soul feel unloveable too. 

I must say with much regret now that (unintentionally!) I also shamed my partners into thinking that they were part of the problem too, which likely cultivated a separate trauma response in them when it came to having oral sex with me. I am so sorry for this and I never knew how much power I had when it came to me personalizing my gratification during pleasure like I do now.

Luckily, all of this slowly started to change when I began exploring my body and sexuality for me and my joy alone. I took partners out of the equation for a bit when it came to nurturing back my sensitivity and orgasmic potential. And with time, patience and a lot of new helpful tools and sexy tricks this past year… I have been able to have orgasms from oral sex with regularity! 

So, how did I do it? Well, first I did a lot more pleasure practicing using my fingers, a jade egg and my crystal dildo without a vibrator. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good vibrator, but if I want to step back and feel all the micro-sensations and subtle feelings that my pussy is whispering to me then this can be a bit overpowering. In doing so, I started to reconnect with my body and the power of its pleasure energy again.

After that, I started using a connected breath during oral sex to not only be sure I was maintaining my breathing the whole time while masturbating, but also to really channel and expand any small sparks and feelings that I did have into my whole womb and cervix too. When you are trying to work through a sexual trauma response it is absolutely essential to maintain your breath and not go into freeze.

If you are experiencing a trauma response from something in your past it can also be incredibly helpful for your partner to start using permission based language with you. If they are willing, it is beautiful if they can ask you if you are open to “receiving” pleasure instead of expecting you to be ready and waiting for it to happen. In doing so, you are collaborating together on what the dynamic of the sexual scene will be and you are actively consenting to accepting the gift of pleasure from your lover which can be incredibly empowering and create ease in your body to lean in and truly feel whatever is arising moment to moment. 

Another trick I used was playing with pendulation, a technique that allowed me to move back and forth between feeling triggered and a state of calm. I imagined that the narrow end of my jade egg was the tip of my lover’s tongue. I couldn’t find my turn on when doing this at first so I had to start off with a fantasy that I knew would make me feel excited and hot, yet at ease. Once I felt the heat of this pleasure I shifted the image in my mind to one where I was actively receiving and getting off from experiencing oral sex. 

I created this experience for myself because I wanted to signal safety in my body when I had a lover that wanted to give me cunnilingus. Neuroscience has shown that our bodies don’t know the difference between a visually imagined experience and the real thing in terms of our bodily responses. So, if we can produce a similar scenario to the thing we desire ahead of time then once we really encounter the thing we want we are more likely to be comfortable with it. Meaning, we can train our bodies to experience feelings and situations as “safe” if we practice having them in our minds first. When we feel safe we can simply relax into the full experience as it arises and override a pre-conditioned body and mind trauma response. If that response is no longer serving us and we actually are safe then we can train our bodies and minds to do something new, with purpose. This can be tremendously helpful in changing the outcome of our sexual experiences.

The final tool I used to get more comfortable with the idea of allowing myself to be immersed in the pleasure of oral sex was a Five Senses Reality journey. I imagined this adventure for myself while masturbating when I was stroking my clit with my little jade stone. At the same time, I envisioned myself relaxing into receiving pleasure from the tongue of my lover and what these sensations would feel like. Then, once I felt the arousal, I used my connected breath to expand the sensations and build them within my womb space and anywhere else they wanted to travel into my body. When all the pleasure felt heightened and extra delicious I finally just gave myself permission to surrender and release all the energy I was holding into the incredible orgasmic bliss of my imaginary lover’s mouth!

Of course, right after getting to this point with my “homework” I had a break up and didn’t get to “practice” receiving oral sex for a while. However, when the situation finally arose in real life with a lover, I was glad I had prepared myself for what I might experience. Admittedly, I still got nervous and it was important to have had a conversation with my lover ahead of time where we checked in about some of our patterns and turn-ons during sex. He told me that he really got off on giving pleasure to women and that this was a huge genuine turn-on for him when engaging in pleasure play. He also actually spoke to my pussy and said things like, he “wanted to worship” at my “altar of divine femininity.” I must admit that this both caught me off guard and also turned me on insanely to hear. 

Another thing that was so helpful initially was feeling like there wasn’t a goal. We spent tons of time just teasing each other and we didn’t rush into having penetrative intercourse or fast forward to the orgasm. I think that’s part of why I was able to more naturally let go when he finally slid between my legs and started to use his tongue on me. I definitely had a moment where I started to freeze up, but I just reminded myself that he was getting off on pleasuring me and that he really wanted to please me and that there was no obligation in the type of sex that we were having. It was ok for me to just focus on how good it was making me feel. This shift in my focus of how I chose to see the situation was huge because it really allowed me to feel into the sensations that were there, rather than allowing myself to get trapped in a sexual story I had previously created in my head. And so I came!!! I beautifully, delightfully, orgasmically came, and I cried as I did so! It was such a sweet release and I am so grateful I gave myself permission to surrender and do so. I am also grateful to have been with a lover that was accepting of my full expression of emotions during our sexual interlude. After orgasming he simply allowed me to cry and feel and then laugh from the ecstatic joy of it all. 

Since then, I have been fortunate enough to practice these same tools numerous times and although it can be pretty scary for me, it is getting easier. I suppose it’s like learning to ride a bicycle, but the bicycle seat is your lover’s face. And if you truly believe that they are loving every minute of tasting you and giving you pleasure, and you are not thinking about time or space and only how good the sensations feel, then it’s an incredible physical adventure and you don’t want to stop the ride. I get turned on by wanting to open up and have an orgasmic explosion in their mouth and mingle the medicine that resides between my thighs with their body as they consume me with their lips and drink me in. I get turned on by feeling the little ball of light traveling from the root of my spine up to my crown wanting to merge with the expansive light of the universe and in every ounce of my being. Sometimes, I get turned on with a little digital or manual assistance with fingers in my ass or my pussy at the same time while a mouth is on me tickling every little part between my legs with a tongue. Sometimes, I am thinking naughty dominatrix style thoughts while I am getting served with a plate full of ecstasy and being worshiped in all my divine and deviant femininity. All of this keeps making me cum and keeps helping me relax and have fun with the pleasure I am experiencing. All of it is beautiful and so I am going to stop judging myself now–if I can–because I am grateful to experience as much pleasure as possible in all its incredible complexity. I feel so lucky that I have given myself permission to finally let go and that I now truly believe I am worthy and deserving of simply receiving pleasure without having to give too.