Meerkats are mean girls!
I am pretty sure the reason that I cut my hair straight down to the scalp in the center of my forehead in 1st grade had something to do with thinking I was ugly. Maybe it was because the boys wouldn’t kiss me during the recess games of “boys chase girls,” or maybe I really thought that my short little forehead would look amazing with some crazy version of inverted bangs? I cannot recall, but in any event if thinking I was unattractive was a self-fulfilling prophecy, I definitely willed my way into that one for about the next eight school years by straight up being mean to myself by way of my hair and beyond.
Sure, in retrospect I can give you some sort of Johnny Cash’s “Boy Named Sue” rationale that having a terrible “tomboy” mushroom haircut that was too thick and poofy for my tiny facial features and forehead somehow had a resilient effect that made me the badass I am today. Indeed, I must have learned SOMETHING from also being picked on and ridiculed for the bizarre way I dressed and my hyperactive (ahem, gregarious) personality. There are incredible lessons that came from these experiences. They also left scars, even if these days I rarely realize they’re still there.
But the scars ARE still there, and there is nothing quite like a little circular breathing while you are half naked in the jungle to induce some altered states of consciousness that dredge up all of THAT SHIT from the past! Yes, there’s nothing quite like making the UNCONSCIOUS things in my nervous system CONSCIOUS–through breathwork combined with movement and sound release–to humble the fuck out of my high and mighty benevolent-attitude SELF where I am almost always trying to be kind and compassionate, and maybe even deceptively believing that at my core in my version of life I am GOOD.
Yes, GOOD, there I said it and in doing so I admit that even though I appreciate the concept of non-dualistic thinking sometimes I do still slip into a “right vs. wrong” worldview. Even though I truly believe that we are all connected by some interwoven energy and consciousness that has a life force running through every one of us, as well as ALL of us as a whole (think “Use the force, Luke...”), that still doesn’t mean that every now and then I am not deluded by my own sense of moral superiority and grandeur. Because I am only human, and in being such I know that inherently I am flawed - even if these flaws are absolutely perfect. Nevertheless, imagine my shock and surprise when in the wake of what I thought was a seemingly benign breathwork and heart-opening practice I finally realized that “Holy FUCK!... it’s not just me that has been picked on.” “Ahh, I am perpetuating the cycle of misogyny!” And “OMG, I’m a mean girl too!!!”
You see, I started to notice a theme talking to my fellow sex witch siblings at our retreat when we got to meet in small groups to talk more intimately and open up. What I heard many of us saying was that we felt like we didn’t BELONG at our retreat, or we were afraid of being awkward and JUDGED. Some of my siblings also shared that they were experiencing strong reactions when they (myself included) noticed someone was too chic, smart, spiritual, elegant or perfect, or basically just too “different” from ourselves. In truth, we are all searching for love, safety and belonging.
And so, after the heart opening practice, my heart started to slowly unfurl, but then later began to cower and shrink. Before the practice my heart literally felt nothing and seemed like it was numb; afterwards I started to notice those inner scars and self-judgment. I guess my heart did indeed start to open, even though feeling numb actually seemed so damn tranquil and safe.
However, the heart opening practice was also the first practice where I wasn’t certain if I had done a good enough job and I became self-conscious. That’s when my inner psychological managers usually chime in. I also began to notice that there were cliques forming and I definitely wasn’t in the inner circle. In this particular moment, a lot of them were cute little yogis and dance majors and when they moved it seemed effortless and fluid. They seemed soft and supple and I heard some of them describe themselves as “sensualists” (see missjaiya.com to find out your “Erotic Blueprint” too). Meanwhile, I happened to be nearly crippled at our retreat from some knee, calf, hip, stomach and ulcer pain combined with an all you can eat buffet and 180 stairs each way multiple times per day. Clearly I didn’t read the fine print where they told us that this portion of the retreat was going to mirror the cruel tutelage of Pai Mei from Kill Bill. Regardless, as the evening went on I continued to notice the inner-criticism from my “perfectionist” and of course my forever faithful friend, “Lady FEAR”.
I can’t say that any divine insight immediately came to me about our collective and mutual insecurity, or our shared sense of sibling vulnerability. However, after we did our seemingly simple evening ritual, that's when the “aha!” moment finally started to kick in. That night, we were creating a “shower of compliments”. While one person sat on a pillow in the center of our circle, five of us took turns sharing two minutes of appreciation, praise, adoration and homage with that one person that we were treating like the most incredible star beaming at the center of our world. That is ten solid minutes of compliments for a person to receive - and it was a lot to take! The interesting thing, however, was that the compliments were not so hard to actually GIVE. We were told to wear something compliment-worthy before we came to the ritual, so that was a start. What surprised me was that it didn’t really matter whether you knew the person in the center of the circle or not, as there were ALWAYS words of adulation that we could share. Also, devilishly it was kind of fun to catch someone off guard who might have been a little bit shy or awkward in some way and watch them literally start to glow when you acknowledged them by truly seeing their gifts.
It was the day after this exercise that the realization finally came to me about one of the many lessons this process was meant to reveal. You see, one of the themes for this retreat was uncovering our old sisterhood wounds. However, when I tried to think of mine at the time, my mind went blank. I couldn’t think of any unresolved hurt, pain or shame from my past, but lo and behold it was definitely still there. After we did the shower of compliments, I realized that not only are the judgments I harbor towards others still alive and well, but there is also so much healing potential in the words we choose to use.
The language I adopt in my life that I use on other humans has the power to help break down the barriers formed from my inner fear. Every day, we have the power to choose which words and messages we want to tell one another and which words we choose to say. It doesn’t matter what you think your sibling’s story is, or where they came from because at the end of the day we are all carrying our own inner wounds for our own personal experience. In turn, we all shine a little brighter when loving tender things are the first things that come out of our mouths. It helps us heal collectively as a planet when we are intentional about the language we choose to live our lives with. As I thought this, I realized that in my hesitancy to withhold loving compliments and thoughts to the women that triggered me at this particular retreat that, “oh my gosh, I was a mean girl too!” Now, what am I going to do about it?
I started to reflect, and thought about the concept of how our triggers can be our teachers. The next day at breakfast I picked a fellow classmate that I thought was the most annoying uber Los Angeles style “valley girl,” or whatever you call that dialect these days, and instead of avoiding her I approached her. I smiled as she was waiting to put sugar in her coffee and I simply said, “good morning” and I addressed her by her name. I could tell it took her aback and she said thank you and asked me my name too and we both smiled and took a moment together to breathe and our bodies fell into a posture that was more relaxed, open and at ease. It felt good to no longer let my fear and apprehension rule my behavior.
So, why are humans (and women in this particular case) so often quick to judge and bash one another and be unkind and mean? Well, one argument is that maybe it’s because of the patriarchy and the way we hold power and property societally enforcing our need for intergroup competition as well as for land and resources. Maybe the unspoken rules of the game have instilled a message in us that we need to cut one another down so no one gets too bold, out of line or out of control. Maybe part of the purpose has been to police our sexuality in order to keep society a patriarchy instead of a matriarchy or a space where women and all human beings are treated with respect and equality. Maybe it’s because we have forgotten how to see ourselves as part of a community that is interdependent, supportive and earnestly collective because no one is willing to part with their wealth to help those who struggle and are starving. Or maybe it’s something hormonal, like we can see in the matriarchal “mean girl” meerkat (see below) as a trait that biologically simply gives us dominance and helps us survive. But, what cost is associated with this stress? How does aggression and dominance affect our bodies and our quality of life? Is it still worth the havoc we put upon our immune systems by habitually being so unkind?
That’s the beautiful thing about being human, however, in that we are just animals after all and we are so damn adaptable when needed. We have the power to see patterns and the power to change our behaviors if the rewards are great enough to insight inner and outer change. So, I ask you now NOT to think about the cause of why we are the way we are and instead just take in the possible far-reaching effects. Ask yourself, “what kind of person do you want to be?”
What if we each modeled loving kindness in our relationships each and every day? What if the first thing we said to one another in the morning was something caring and beautiful? What if the last thing we said when we went to bed at night was full of appreciation and gratitude to those we care about and love? What if the words we choose actually charge us up with positivity too and we can actively choose to say something nice to someone that irritates us, knowing the effect it might have? What if it’s a domino effect for everyone, everywhere and we are all like light bulbs on an incredible string of dazzling holiday lights and every tiny glass sphere affects the next small globe’s brightness and shimmering magnificence too? What if we make an effort to shine for one another regardless of what we expect to receive in return? How might the energy that we exchange between one another transform into something so much more serene and radiant, like a state of effervescent cosmic bliss?
