The hoof and the heart

I had been trying to write for days but feeling stunted and scared lately and like I would never conjure another creative thought, no matter how hard I tried. As my dear friend A.L. would say, “I was on the struggle bus” and the rickety rockiness of the road was really wearing me out. I felt crippled by the horrible weight of hopelessness and I was having trouble softening it into a desired and possibly pleasurable state. 

So, it made sense the other day when I finally broke down and decided I simply HAD to masturbate before I could enter the coffee shop. I felt like a woman from the late 1800s grappling to control her psychosis through “hysterical paroxysm,” which we presently call a good old-fashioned orgasm. I felt absolutely debilitated and I could not step out of my car with my laptop until I had a good cry to let the anxiety flow. It had been a while since I felt the panic so strong that its grip seemed to paralyze me. Of course there was a little tantric guilt as I stroked the sheer exterior of my panties. There were the voices telling me that I SHOULD try to connect with the elements of nature, or something pure and beautiful where I could feel my sensations fully, pussy breathe and tap into my inner goddess as I was holding ritual space inside my car—if that’s even possible. 

However, in the end my thoughts instead gravitated towards a dirty little threesome with Satan and Jesus that probably reflects my inner battle that feels like it is flailing between heaven and hell in some sort of torturous purgatory that is presently beyond my control. Maybe this is a bit of residual rebellious Catholic discord, or perhaps just a nice little compromise between my religious past and my current spiritual self that sometimes gets tangled in the pendulation between the light and the dark times that ebb and flow around and within me. 

I am waiting for my taxes to get resolved, which has imprisoned me in an involuntary transient state as it is preventing me from migrating south to Baja, where I truly long to be. Thus I found myself wrestling with a Reno-bound real life ambivalent wasteland that left me no other recourse than to manifest myself a dedicated sensual display of my hopelessness. It all seemed logical enough. So, as I let the tears stream down my face and I post-orgasmically shook, I felt quite confident that sometimes you just need a good cum and a cry to get you out of your head and back into your body. An orgasm is an incredible tool to have in your mental health tool kit.

Oh, don’t get me wrong, I have been doing yoga, moderating or eliminating my substance use (of all varieties) and practicing mindfulness meditation as well. However, everyone’s body is different in terms of how they choose to purge their stagnant and stuck energy and one of these ways can be through sex. For me, this is just one more cathartic gesture that allows me to become a puddle of melted and muddled bliss that afterward allows me to return to a place of cool loneliness, where I can focus on touching the limitless space of my human heart to nourish myself with a little more self-love.

According to the American-Tibetan Buddhist, ordained nun, and acclaimed author Pema Chödrön we can actually use hopelessness to feel solace and later use these cool moments to allow whatever arises to be our teacher. In her book When Things Fall Apart she encourages humans to let go of their dualistic thinking where we find such stark contrast between the states of hope and fear. If we cling to extremes to find stable ground in our lives, when we cannot attain it we set ourselves up for disappointment. It is impossible to feel joy and happiness all of the time. So, Chödrön instead encourages us to find contentment in the places in between and to come to know bliss in the middle way, which includes states like hopelessness and chaos. Chödrön says:

“As human beings, not only do we seek resolution, but we also feel that we deserve resolution. However, not only do we not deserve resolution, we suffer from resolution. We don’t deserve resolution; we deserve something better than that. We deserve our birthright, which is the middle way, an open state of mind that can relax with paradox and ambiguity.”

And I feel like I am usually pretty good at flowing with the chaos, instead of trying in vain to control it, which is impossible. I even have a hat that says “Chaos Coordinator” because I truly believe all we can do is work with the ambiguity like a mad conductor in an incredibly complex life symphony. However, sometimes it is simply hard to roll with the waves that life wraps you up inside and you need a little extra momentum to twist, twirl and let go inside the tumble. In these moments no matter what method you choose to regain your present moment grounding, it can be helpful to recognize when we are clinging to the sensations of crippling loneliness and abandonment in an almost addictive dance. If we can do so, then it is possible to shift to a place of cool loneliness instead where we can be more objective about what we are experiencing. 

“Cool loneliness allows us to look honestly and without aggression at our own minds. We can gradually drop our ideals of who we think we ought to be, or who we think we want to be, or who we think other people think we want to be or ought to be. We give it up and just look directly with compassion and humor at who we are. Then loneliness is no threat and heartache, no punishment.

Cool loneliness doesn’t provide any resolution or give us ground under our feet. It challenges us to step into a world of no reference point without polarizing or solidifying. This is called the middle way, or the sacred path of the warrior.

When you wake up in the morning and out of nowhere comes the heartache of alienation and loneliness, could you use that as a golden opportunity? Rather than persecuting yourself or feeling that something terribly wrong is happening, right there in the moment of sadness and longing, could you relax and touch the limitless space of the human heart? The next time you get a chance, experiment with this.”

–Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart

So, I have been trying to do just that and really imagine the limitless space of the human heart. When I think about the human heart and our tremendous capacity to give and receive love, even when I am having trouble giving that love to myself - it is still aweing! I can actually picture a vast expansive place where, even though it may be dark, it has sprawling tendril-like fingertips reaching out, illuminating the way for others. There is also more scientific evidence mirroring this eastern mindfulness practice that having compassion for others actually registers in our bodies as compassion for the self, which is why it allows us to love ourselves more deeply when we give out more kindliness too. Now when I envision the limitless space of the human heart, I picture it to be an incredibly calm and peaceful place. I love Chodron’s suggestion and have been trying to get playful with how I can creatively envisage the heart in varying ways.

I have been thinking of animals with unusual hearts, or ones with interesting aspects that  delight my imagination. There are creatures with multiple hearts like cephalopods, which include the octopus and the worm that each have 3 and 5 hearts respectively. There is also the blue whale that has the largest heart, weighing in at approximately 400 pounds. However, in this moment as I am looking for symbolism regarding the radiance of the heart and just how big and bright it can truly be, then it is the majestic horse that conjures a sense of passion and effervescence of the spirit within me.

“Several animals evolved unique physiologies that almost qualify them as having multiple hearts. For example, horses possess extra blood pumps in their circulatory system known as frogs. The frog is part of a horse’s hoof and looks roughly like a triangle. In addition to acting as a shock absorber and reducing stress on a horse’s bones and joints, it also pumps blood up a horse’s leg upon contact with the ground. Essentially, the frogs function like blood-filled cushions, which operate thanks to the horse’s weight and kinetic energy to pump blood up its legs and back toward its heart.”

I love to picture the horse and its great big, beautiful heart that is literally pumping blood nourished vibrance all the way out from its limbs to its core. So, I have been trying to use this metaphor when I feel like my love and self-compassion are waning to open and expand and feel the vast and limitless space of what my tender heart is truly capable of.

And this month is not only Black History Month, but it is also American heart month, in addition to the month when Valentine’s Day is celebrated. So, I encourage you to imagine Siren Saint giving you a big Valentine’s Day card that looks like a heart, but in truth it is really an upside down horse’s hoof. With it, may you feel a little extra love for yourself, as well as everyone else in the world you would like to lovingly connect with.