get sirius, dog

I have been trying to embody a shining star as of late with a little extra light and love beaming from my limbs in every direction. I’ve been meditating and imagining my energy source being concentrated at my core, grounded and stable like a star’s center swirling with nuclear fusion. 

I have set this as my intention since I have actually been having a lot of trouble staying in the present moment, while things are so busy with the holidays and it feels like my mind simply won’t sit still. There are thoughts of obligations and the to-do list swimming about, but also thoughts of my health, safety, family, and even my lovers mixed in too. These thoughts can make me feel fragmented at times, habitually pulling me back and forth between the past and future with no rhyme or reason. So, in order to slow down what the Buddhists call my wandering monkey mind, I have to keep considering my “North Star” and the RELATIONSHIP I want to have with myself.

From a coaching perspective, the North Star in your relationship can be described as your higher purpose and why you keep choosing your love and commitment to someone again and again. Some people are looking for companionship, security, or a partner to grow old with; this varies widely from person to person. Your North Star is the luminescent beacon drawing you to what you value at your core and what you hold to be most dear and sacred. It can be easy to get lost in the drama of a relationship, which can obscure what our hearts desire most and what we truly long for. 

I have spent almost all of my adult life in a long-term committed and partnered relationship, and it wasn’t until recently that I realized the most important relationship I can actually ever have is the one I nurture within myself. This may sound obvious to many of you, but when I first considered this concept I was completely and utterly dumbfounded. My coaching teacher and guru, Layla Martin, asked me to consider this when I was taking her Sacred Sexuality program during our month on “relationships.” She asked, “what kind of relationship do you want to have with yourself?” I remember I actually got angry in my webinar because I had no idea what she was talking about. It felt like she started asking questions expecting me to be fluent and familiar with this language, and at the time I found the notion virtually incomprehensible and like she was asking me a trick question.

I think this was because in my past I predominantly based what I valued and what direction I would take on someone in crisis, or my friends’ or my partner’s goals and needs. I put my dreams, desires and wants aside as something secondary to everyone else, but once those relationships ended I was left asking myself, “who am I?” Now, I hold this question close to my heart and let it guide my choices as I navigate my way forward.

I have come to appreciate the way I can actively cultivate the specific type of relationship I want to have with my soul. In order to do this I envision the way I want to treat my body, mind and heart and how I want to love myself each and every day. I try to consider what words I choose to tell myself, what clothes I want to feel against my skin, what way I want to love others with authenticity, and what type of media messages I want to absorb into my psyche. I try to contemplate the subtle nuances I experience regularly through the art of living. I know my mind absorbs every sensation that is transmitted from my body and this has encouraged me to treat my skeletal-muscular form like more of a divine temple. I am now invested in how my senses are actively engaging with the world and when I connect with my felt-sense I become grounded in the present moment with stability.

This has become part of how I have shifted the relationship I have with myself and in order to do so my actions now also begin with the question, “what is guiding my higher purpose here?” When I really FEEL into what my North Star is personally, it glows when my values and actions are in alignment. I have had to get very intimate with my whole sense of being to finally illuminate the qualities that are the most important to my health and personal growth. And although I would love to have another deep committed partnership someday, I have learned that if I can’t be in a loving relationship with myself then it’s harder to be in a balanced space with someone else. 

So, during this holiday season when stars abound, I am trying to emulate one myself. I am trying to gently notice where my mind is when it is drifting and wrangle the light back inwards when things start to get dim. When the path is uncertain and I get distracted by the sometimes daunting mystery of the future, I have decided not to run away from this fear of my own NOT knowing and make friends with it instead. This lets me give myself a little extra loving kindness, which in turn enables me to share goodness with those I care about. When I am connected to my purest truth I feel a radiant aliveness that extends far beyond my corporal existence. A beautiful coaching friend of mine named Aimee Murphy told me that tapping into the North Star of her heart allowed her to feel “the golden thread that connects me to every other being and their goodness and to remember that woven tapestry of the mycelium network.” With that in mind, I have been imagining us all like beautiful stars in the sky.

There are so many incredible stars to choose from around the holidays, ranging from the Star of David, to the Star of Bethlehem, and with the winter solstice we welcome the return of our galaxy’s largest star - our Sun! There is also the star Sirius, which might be considered our New Year’s star since it reaches its highest point in the sky around the stroke of midnight on December 31st every year. However, with a beautiful image of celestial connection in mind I am finding it rather playful to think about embodying a starfish as well. The starfish—more aptly called a “sea star” since without gills, fins or scales it is not truly a fish—can produce both asexually, as well as sexually.

Its asexual reproduction happens through fragmentation or self amputation where part of an arm and its central disk become disconnected from the “parent” body and develops into its own autonomous organism through a process called fissiparity. This most commonly occurs for self preservation from a predator of some form, or from boating blades and machinery. Sexual reproduction is much more common among this species.

When sexual reproduction occurs through pseudocopulation, it transpires between a male and female, although the sea star can change its gender based on its environment and the availability of resources. Each sea star releases their respective gonads into the water after they discharge them through their arms. They expel their sperm and eggs into their environment even though no penetration actually occurs, and millions of these cells are released to form concentrated spawning aggregates. Many sea stars will brood their young by sitting on them, or keeping them right by their mouths, while others will make brooding baskets and keep them tucked between their interlocking spines. Their fertilized embryos, which are free-swimming animals, eventually undergo metamorphosis and transition to become adults.

I have seen large lines of sea stars along the coves and reefs in Baja and I love the idea of these sprawling spawning aggregates giving the appearance of animals linked arm in arm. I am enamored by the image of the very essence of life being transmitted by a species from simply releasing its energy source while coming together. Thus, my holiday wish for you is that you become more intimate with the North Star within yourself so that you can reconnect to your gentle inner joy and in turn have more all around love to share both inwardly and outwardly.