Tease me, deny me & I’ll thank you… later
One of my favorite sensual past-times is playing a delicious game called TEASE & DENIAL! This topic has come up with much excitement while I have been doing couples coaching as of late. We have been discussing not only our favorite types of turn-ons, but also how to extend our climaxes. I love this game because of the way it leads me to a state of heightened arousal without the immediate gratification of orgasmic release. My desire can become insatiable from a good tryst of teasing, which sometimes leaves me begging and pleading with my lover for penetrative sex. This can be one of the most erotic forms of giving our partner sexual permission and a straight up HELL YES to coital consent! When with prolonged squirming and yearning I finally DO get what I am longing for, in the end it can lead to my most powerful and satisfying orgasms too.
This game can also be an extremely sexy tool for men to play with as well, especially if they often cum faster than they would ideally like. I once had a lover (who typically did not last long when inside of me) use this technique to touch me, tease me, put just the tip in and then love me and leave me - stepping away to slip outside and slowly smoke a spliff. As I laid on our bed in anguish, moaning for him to come back in and give me more, he instead instructed me to touch myself while I waited. In doing so, my pussy became incredibly wet with dripping anticipation and excitement. This type of foreplay could go on for quite some time with us starting and stopping intermittently prolonging our turn-on, which made my climaxes, when finally reached, absolutely exquisite!
After working with numerous couples, I have found that I am not alone in my love of the long slow tease. It gives you time to breathe and build, and time to reset if you have a sensitive trigger too. Although many of the couples I work with describe their turn-ons with differing language to me, the common thread is in their wanting their senses to be tantalized.
So, how do you figure out how your partner likes to be teased? According to leading developmental psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Daniel N. Stern, the power in teasing comes from being able to anticipate your partner’s triggers for pleasure or pain. “You can’t tease other people unless you can correctly guess what is in their minds and make them suffer or laugh because of your knowing.” And although a little provocative noncompliance can be oh so sexy, in order for our actions to be considered playful teasing by our partners, they must never be seen as aggressive. So, the secret lies in really communicating with our partners and having honest and vulnerable conversations about our boundaries, fears and desires.
Sure, many of us may have been able to correctly guess what our partners wanted when we were having our first playful interludes and getting to know one another. However, what do you do after that initial “honeymoon” romance phase has passed and you are trying to rekindle your former flames and sparks? What do you do when you can no longer decipher the code regarding what it is that will turn your partner on? This is when hard conversations become crucial for us to allow PLEASURE to become PLAY once again.
Here are just a few tools that I have been using with couples during my sessions to make the oftentimes sensitive subject of sex a little softer and sweeter to discuss.
Create a safe container to communicate - a dedicated time and space with no distractions
Start your discussion focusing on what you LOVE about your partner, relationship, or the sex - if we only talk about what’s wrong then that’s what we will gravitate towards
Focus on reflective listening when your partner shares - use eye contact and reflect the feeling if possible to really show they are being heard
Break your feelings and needs down using non-violent communication (NVC) - especially for topics that can get loaded with judgment and that feel sticky
Talk about what turns you on, and be specific - how you want to be touched, where, when, what sort of pressure feels best to you, etc.
Talk about what turns you off without shaming and blaming - this is where personalizing yet keeping to the observable facts and using NVC can be super important
Practice requesting what you desire using your own words - if you can’t say it, you can’t ask for it and it’s good to practice conjuring your inner siren as needed
Close your intimate container with some GRATITUDE for what you have, or what you have learned - change and discovery can be scary, but that is how we grow and we can normalize this journey with more thankfulness!
And my sexy suggestion to you for a playful holiday treat is that once you know WHAT your partner loves be sure to GIVE IT to them, but then TAKE IT AWAY! You may uncover that they love to have their belly and thighs traced lightly with your fingertips while occasionally grazing their pubic bone area too. You may discover that they love to have their bottom paddled and spanked and perhaps their genitals crave a good patting and petting as well. You may learn that they love to be titillated by a toy or your hand bringing them to the brink of climactic release, only to be left dangling with desire when the stimulation is stopped. Maybe you will ask them to start counting to ten and as the numbers increase it indicates how close they are to exploding with uncontrollable excitement. Maybe your mouth will nibble on them, seducing their sensitive spots while sucking, kissing and licking to engorge every erogenous inch that resides between their thighs, yet withdrawing before there is completion.
Remember that in the animal kingdom foreplay is a vast and varied act. While some animals like toys, other animals like kink and still others like a good seductive tease with a flamboyant dance. Researchers have inferred that non-sexual teasing may be used to gain social status, enforce societal norms, resolve conflicts and enhance interpersonal relationships. And what better way to improve an intimate relationship than through a little playful teasing with sex.
Gorillas, who are known for teasing one another for both play and humor, have also been spotted giving the gift of oral pleasure. Although male silverback gorillas are usually known to woo their females through their size and dominance, they have also been witnessed giving fellatio to pleasure their mate. Male gorillas, who are polygamous, have little sexual competition due to their large size have proportionally small genitalia if you compare their 1.25 inch average erect penis to the 5.3 inch average size for humans. Penetration with their uncircumcised phallus has been deemed both forceful or at times quite enjoyable since they have sex both in a kneeling doggy style sort of fashion, and also missionary style as well. Two gorillas were spotted on video in 2021 at a Bronx zoo with legs spread wide having oral intercourse. The anonymous videographer said he was shocked and had “no idea that was a ‘natural’ act.” Reportedly, sometimes gorillas even give fellatio in the “69” position. Zookeepers declined to confirm the gender of the two gorilla exhibitionists caught on camera for this particular incident.
“Great ape fellatio may seem unorthodox, but it’s really not. Oral sex is actually fairly common throughout the animal kingdom with sightings of species ranging from cheetahs to bears and bats engaging in the salacious act, the BBC has reported.”
So, if you need a little extra help with ramping up your own salacious acts then please reach out to me for some assistance and guidance to invigorate your boudoir dalliances. I would love to help you and your partners make teasing the turn-on that re-ignites your fire. I strive to keep the sexy factor high and the humor heightened as I skillfully coach you for these hard conversations during our exploration.
