how we check out, how we check in
Every relationship is different and our interactions are unique. However, the one thing I can speak to with certainty is that when things get difficult and when it comes to maintaining intimacy and connection, almost all of us have been guilty at some point or another of checking out.
For years the only ways I had thought about how we check out in our relationships was through drugs and alcohol. This was partly because substances had played such a huge part in my own relationship issues, and also because they can be such an obvious culprit when it comes to disassociation & disengagement. It was incredibly eye-opening, however, to expand my lens when considering additional ways checking out can be more subtle, but just as problematic for instigating disconnection. Some of these ways we often overlook are…
Over-working
Over-socializing (including your phone & social media)
Over-eating or abuse of any substances
Over-parenting
Over-exercising
Preferring isolation vs. connection
Avoiding communication
Avoiding quality time and ritual spaces for intimacy
Increased focus on orgasm vs. pleasure
Fear of deviating from our routines
Ignoring the power of affirmations and positive language
Ignoring our body and appearance as having power
How can we break this cycle though and work on checking back in? Well, it turns out the first step to work on rebuilding intimacy in our partnerships is through reconnecting and getting more in touch with ourselves. However, in order to do this more fully, here are a few suggestions that I have found helpful and may work for both you and your partners too.
Ways to Check In
Separating work time from play - let your heart be fully open when it is time to play.
Valuing being present, with both your partner and yourself (minimize distractions when possible).
Emphasize reconnecting with nature - the universe is so much larger than our egos.
Prioritizing reflective listening - hearing & empathizing without trying to fix.
Visualize how things are made and what is their source - think about where the things you put in your body came from.
Prioritize a healthy relationship with yourself first - the health of the individual organism affects the group as a whole.
Community can feed your soul - we function together as a collective species, let the interconnectedness of all humans nourish you when able.
Create ritual spaces for intimacy - you are sacred and deserve quality time to celebrate yourself & your partners too.
Pay attention to pleasure and using all your body and senses to engage in sensuality in addition sexuality and orgasm.
Enjoy the mystery! Plans can be fantastic, but don’t under-value the gift that spontaneity gives to our senses.
Emphasize the use of loving language towards your body, heart, spirit and soulmates.
Dress up for no reason to celebrate the love you have for the sacred creature that you are.
If you want to read up on how bonobos get their communication on, check out this great article from Quartz by Ben Garrod, “Bonobo mothers meddle in their sons’ lives to help them find sex partners”.
Bonobo photo above by Sean Foster on Unsplash.