Purr for pleasure, purr for healing
I love sex!!! I love all of it, the good, the bad, the ugly and the awkward and especially the story-worthy. Ok, maybe I don’t ALWAYS love ALL of it completely in the moment, but I love the sensuality of the act, I love the thrill of adventure and exploration and currently above all - I absolutely LOVE sex as a beautiful pursuit of PLEASURE! When things feel stuck, or are a little sticky in my sexual forays these days, I try to make SLOWING DOWN my goal and find pleasure beyond the pursuit of the almighty orgasm.
photo by @gestalt415
The “left-handed” path of tantric buddhism sees the orgasm as a fleeting source of ecstasy and joy, if for no other reason than because this euphoric phenomenon is finite and simply does not last. Orgasm is a quintessential lesson regarding our human struggle with impermanence. However, if we are able to slow down and simply drop into our bodies and enjoy the blissful peace of pleasure, then sex can be part of a much more prolonged and sustainable state where we can both attune to our own bodies, as well as those of our partners in deep perpetual appreciation. When our sole pursuit during a sexual act becomes focused on seeking out the heightened state of an orgasm, it puts us on a path where we are letting our desires fuel our behaviors, which can lead to an unhealthy relationship with attachment. Sex and love can start to get murky when we not only become attached to a pinnacle state of climatic high, but also when we start relating to our partner as simply a source to achieve this desired condition.
When we become dependent on our partner, porn or any sort of external source to achieve our sense of sweet orgasmic release, we can start a cycle of sex and love as an unhealthy sort of addiction and move away from a place of healthy secure attachment within our “self.”
In the past, I was guilty of doing this exact thing. I remember when one of my long term relationships started to feel emotionally disconnected. I began to feel increasingly frustrated in the bedroom, yearning and burning to feel connected again in any way possible. I began to hyper-focus on my sexual dissatisfaction, although the scope of the separation between myself and my partner was much larger than I realized. As the saying goes, sometimes you can’t see the forest for the trees.
The depth of my discontent made my stomach and pelvis contract and clinch, which left me feeling both horny and slightly crazed by my desire to energetically purge my aggravation. However, the more I tried to apply force to our sexual situation, the more it made my partner want to run in the opposite direction. So, I was left alone to masturbate and displace my pain with tears and sadness that momentarily provided a bit of relief, but did not quench the flame that smoldered deep within my body. And then when my partner and I did try to have sex together, it felt so awkward and contrived that I ended up crying all over again before we even started.
I wanted so desperately to connect with this person that I loved so much, but I didn’t know how to hit the RESET button and start all over again. However, that’s exactly what I should have done and it would have been so beneficial to have simply had the skills to slow everything down so that we could work on getting back to basics, both in the bedroom and in our aptitude for effective communication. In order to do that in our sex life though, we would have had to at least momentarily put aside our carnal cravings for orgasm and simply re-acquaint ourselves with our bodies and explore the deeper sensation and communication involved in the pursuit of pleasure.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE a good heightened state of orgasm! However, although my partner can help work with me and my body to achieve an incredible energetic release, it is my responsibility to treat myself like my own divine pleasure princess and work on harnessing my sexual energy as my fuel to invigorate the vibrancy of myself. Our bodies are capable of SO many states of sweet and subtle pleasure. I think of these sensations like the rings around the planet Saturn in that they are essential to the full beauty of this greater celestial body’s existence. We are really limiting our sexual selves when we focus on our extreme highs and lows as the only erotic threads that matter rather than the larger tapestry of our sexual journey and deeper intimacy, which can be incredibly intricate, even more rich and exquisite! You can use your sexuality as sustenance for your soul, and no one is in charge of that power other than yourself.
In the past, I was guilty of doing this exact thing. I remember when one of my long term relationships started to feel emotionally disconnected. I began to feel increasingly frustrated in the bedroom, yearning and burning to feel connected again in any way possible. I began to hyper-focus on my sexual dissatisfaction, although the scope of the separation between myself and my partner was much larger than I realized. As the saying goes, sometimes you can’t see the forest for the trees.
The depth of my discontent made my stomach and pelvis contract and clinch, which left me feeling both horny and slightly crazed by my desire to energetically purge my aggravation. However, the more I tried to apply force to our sexual situation, the more it made my partner want to run in the opposite direction. So, I was left alone to masturbate and displace my pain with tears and sadness that momentarily provided a bit of relief, but did not quench the flame that smoldered deep within my body. And then when my partner and I did try to have sex together, it felt so awkward and contrived that I ended up crying all over again before we even started.
I wanted so desperately to connect with this person that I loved so much, but I didn’t know how to hit the RESET button and start all over again. However, that’s exactly what I should have done and it would have been so beneficial to have simply had the skills to slow everything down so that we could work on getting back to basics, both in the bedroom and in our aptitude for effective communication. In order to do that in our sex life though, we would have had to at least momentarily put aside our carnal cravings for orgasm and simply re-acquaint ourselves with our bodies and explore the deeper sensation and communication involved in the pursuit of pleasure.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE a good heightened state of orgasm! However, although my partner can help work with me and my body to achieve an incredible energetic release, it is my responsibility to treat myself like my own divine pleasure princess and work on harnessing my sexual energy as my fuel to invigorate the vibrancy of myself. Our bodies are capable of SO many states of sweet and subtle pleasure. I think of these sensations like the rings around the planet Saturn in that they are essential to the full beauty of this greater celestial body’s existence. We are really limiting our sexual selves when we focus on our extreme highs and lows as the only erotic threads that matter rather than the larger tapestry of our sexual journey and deeper intimacy, which can be incredibly intricate, even more rich and exquisite! You can use your sexuality as sustenance for your soul, and no one is in charge of that power other than yourself.
So, I have learned to drop into my breath and my body more deeply to really feel the fuel of my fire and the scintillating micro-sensations that pulsate through my muscles and my skin. I have learned to expand the subtle nuances and the broader range of what I am capable of sexually feeling. And, when I focus on PLEASURE this is what I have learned to gravitate towards now versus the singular state of final completion through orgasm.
photo by @gestalt415
However, attuning to these softer more sensitive states takes PRACTICE. It may take some time to create a ritual space where you can cultivate a den for more decadence to get intimate alone, relearning and reclaiming your turn-on solely for the sake of owning it and finding the flames that writhe deep within you. It may take a moment to experience your body again as a sacred vessel that is luscious and richly complex. When we give ourselves permission to become uninhibited pleasure explorers, we can expand our sensual understanding and vocabulary for ourselves so that we may truly own the divinity of our sexual aliveness!
Once we re-acquaint ourselves with the full spectral rainbow of the erotic beauty that we have always possessed then we can also learn to ask for what we need and desire from our partner. Our partners are not mind readers—they might anticipate what we want, but without using our words they will never truly know. So, we can start with using simple language to guide them regarding what feels good and especially, what could feel even better! It’s important to be able to talk about sex in terms of what we like and what we want more of without using judgment-based language or shaming and blaming words. So, getting better at both giving and receiving compliments and words of affirmation can greatly enhance our bedroom game as well.
When we slow down and tune into the pleasure of our bodies while we focus on our breath, one of the most beautiful benefits we can experience with our partner is achieving greater intimacy. When we work in unison as we breathe, our heartbeats start to harmonize in a way that is called interpersonal synchronization. Additionally, touching your partner with empathy can actually have a pain relieving analgesic effect according to a University of Colorado at University of Colorado at Boulder study. Their research on partner contact in the labor and delivery room showed that the more empathy displayed, the better a partner felt during a stressful and pain-charged situation. And even when no other physiological signals are present, a combination of a synchronized heart rate and skin conductivity has been shown to be a blind dater’s most telling signal as to their true feelings and authentic sense of attraction to a possible mate according to another recent study in the Netherlands.
Depending on how we choose to engage in our pleasure practices both alone and with our lovers, there are additional healing benefits when we choose to incorporate sound. The power of our voice and using “sounding” to move energy can be a transformative tool for growth, connection, clarity and calm. Letting our lovers hear and feel the frequency we are vibrating at is similar to letting them hear our inner cat purr, which turns out to have other notable healing benefits as well.
photo by @gestalt415
Although it is not clear exactly how or why cats actually purr, there are definite health benefits that are noteworthy.
Because cats are particularly good at conserving energy during long periods of rest and sleep, it is possible that purring provides stimulation for their muscles and bones without a lot of energy output. Cats display less bone abnormalities than their canine counterparts, and so it is also possible that purring helps alleviate osteoporosis types of conditions as well as dysplasia.
Cats may purr when they are both distressed, as well as when they are happy and so scientists cannot deduce that purring results from situations that are solely about pleasure. Rather, it is more likely that purring is integral to feline communication, as well as the way they self-heal.
That’s what most of us want out of our sex and intimacy too isn’t it? In the end we are a lot like purring cats and are just looking for better communication and a little bit of sensual healing.
